#just saying shit at this point... retrospective i guess....

[hauntingblue]

Pausing my op marathon so I can watch the movies and other shows while the current arc keeps going 🫡🫡

[littlejuicebox]

Astarion talks in his sleep.

Pairing: Astarion x GN!Reader/Tav (Shadowheart is our lovely supporting role though.) Summary/Setting: 6 months post BG3, "good/spawn" Astarion ending, all fluff Rating/Warnings: PG / Very mild if any game spoilers but nothing related to major content or scenes Word Count: 900+ Notes: Inspired by this post here!

-----

Astarion talks in his sleep. It’s something you’ve never mentioned to him, because it’s mostly when he’s having a nightmare about Cazador or some other horrid trauma from his past. You'd quickly determined it not worth bringing up, for fear of embarrassing him. Plus, if you were being honest, part of you found it rather endearing... especially the lighter drabble that would escape his lips. Delighted giggles, little purrs... it could be overwhelmingly adorable, on occasion.

In fact, the first time you ever heard him say he loved you was in his sleep. Then you'd waited weeks… anxiously, impatiently, unbearably for the revelation to come out while he was awake, under his own terms.

But tonight, the talking and tossing isn't cute. The vampire writhing in bed disturbs you, and your eyes flutter open, catching the smallest glimpse of daylight between the thick, tightly drawn curtains and shuttered windows of your bedchamber. You'd just fallen asleep, and you'd be lying if you said you weren't the slightest bit annoyed.

You idly try to figure out the date. Adjusting your schedule to the night life was… difficult; you often lost track of dates nowadays. But somehow you manage to remember that it's been nearly six months since you all saved Baldur's Gate; six months since Astarion had been returned to a creature of the shadows. Six months you've been in the house provided by the city as you two adjust to whatever normalcy you are able to conjure up and figure out your next steps. You were a strong proponent for the Underdark; Astarion was not quite sold.

At first you think the silver-haired elf's tossing and turning is a night terror… it’s been nearly two weeks since the last one. He’s overdue. You ready yourself to pop out of bed and grab your calming herbs to steep a quick sleeping draught. But then you hear him, soft and garbled, laced with thick strings of sleep.

“Will you marry me?”

You turn to stare stupidly at the elf, eyes piercing through the blackness of your room; his face is obscured, you cannot tell if he’s awake. “…what did you say?”

Silence. A long, unbearable stretch of silence where your heart is pounding into your throat, practically rattling around your chest cavity at the sudden shock. And then he’s snoring again, and you’re left with your brow furrowed and robe half pulled onto your shoulder. Well, so much for your sleep.

You meander down the hall to the kitchen, where Shadowheart has several jars and plants strewn across the table. She’s practically taken over the kitchen since Gale left, not that you particularly mind, since she’s also taken over the cooking.

“Aren’t you supposed to be asleep right now?” She asks, spotting you out of the corner of her eye, not lifting her focus from the mortar and pestle in her hand.

“You won’t believe what Astarion just said in his sleep.” You murmur in dazed response, walking over to the cabinets and rummaging through the contents. You grab an old kettle and fill it with water, turning to look at the cleric.

“Gods, what was it? I’m quite thankful to be out of the camp... his night terrors woke all of us up at one point or another. It's no wonder you’re struggling with the schedule adjustment.”

“He said, ‘Will you marry me?’” You respond, almost giggling at how silly that sounds in retrospect, as you place the kettle on the stove.

Shadowheart pauses. One, two, three beats of silence. “Shit… well, I guess the cat is out of the bag now.” She murmurs with a shrug, before returning to grinding her herbs.

“Wh-what?!”

“Oh, come off, don’t be daft! You had to expect it would be coming sooner or later. Gods, your love is almost sickening… it was sickening, having to hear it all the time... once again, so thankful for the separation of these walls.”

You are frozen, your hand still holding onto the kettle as you appraise your friend. Shadowheart is right. You knew a proposal would come sooner or later… you just figured it would be much later. Astarion was still struggling; more often than not you woke to him in tears or in the throes of a sleeping fit. Countless calming elixirs and teas had been drawn up by you and Shadowheart in the last six months. Truly, you hadn’t thought he was thinking that deeply about it... you hadn't been, if at all. Gods, you two still didn't even know where you were headed after leaving this city-supplied house... the lease was up in a few weeks' time.

“I guess… well, I suppose I didn’t think he was ready.” You sigh, lighting the stove and sitting across the table, watching the cleric as she works.

“Oh, trust me, he’s ready. And he's certain. Perhaps not about anything else... but definitely about this. He's been writing to Gale for weeks trying to source a particular ring." Shadowheart responds, now pouring the contents of her grinder into pouches. "Just promise you'll act like it's a surprise when the time comes... he's been talking about it for a while. He's put a lot of thought into things."

"When will it be?"

Shadowheart laughs, the edges of her eyes crinkling as she flicks her gaze toward the ceiling. She’s now cinching the sachets and sorting them all into a nearby basket. "Now that I'm not telling you. I've already given away too much."

You try for a few more minutes to pry the information from your friend, but she remains tight-lipped. You even threaten her with detect thoughts, though you both know you'd never go through with it. Finally, a whistle from the kettle beckons you back to the stovetop, and the conversation is halted as you ready your tea and aim to go back to bed. You might not know when your love is going to pop the question, but you do know that when the time comes, your answer will be a resounding yes.

Click here for Part 2

[abigail-pent]

some things I'm noticing (again) in my ??th gtn reread:

- Cytherea has a whole little monologue about how if you're going to create or pull thanergy it has to be by taking thalergy and vice versa. You can only join death to life or life to death, kind of like batteries

- Basically I'm more convinced than ever that the entrance to the Tower is under the Canaan House facility -- Teacher says it's the most dangerous place in the whole Nine Houses, and we know by now that Alecto was not there, so I am pretty sure it's the Tower

- ten billion unfed ghosts in the Tower, under Canaan House, which were there since the Resurrection; sounds like the tongue guys tbh.

- there's a whole bit about how Silas sends Colum's soul *away* and exploits the space it leaves behind, which is meant to be the opposite of what the Second House does. the Second House takes enemy thanergy to create more thalergy for the cavalier. so I think that means the Eighth takes in thalergy - like from the whole room, I think this is why the color starts draining from everyone whenever Silas does it to Colum - to create more thanergy for ... maybe both the necromancer and the cavalier?

- Anyway I just kind of think John's bomb + eating Earth basically ripped open a wormhole to tongue guy space (the stoma) and he pushed the ten billion through. giving up a shit ton of thalergy to create the first source of thanergy. like Silas does to Colum but bigger. and this created the tongue guys and the tower was built to contain them.

- this is maybe also why John has said siphoning is the most dangerous thing any House had ever thought up - he does like to say this kind of thing from personal experience

- there are sure a lot of towers referenced in Canaan House and then we don't really get towers again until Nona, with the Tower Princes and, obvi, the Tower.

- I am very fine and normal about Silas and Colum and have never cried about them, what are you even talking about

- the Tower is a tarot card that "is associated with sudden, disruptive revelation, and potentially destructive change." Sounds like John's flashbacks in Nona to me tbh

- the Eighth breeding program is still interesting and a mystery to me, mainly because I'm not very clear on what blood type matches have to do with necromancy. But it does feel like the most medical aspect of the modern Eighth and therefore probably the part that Mercy had the most influence over.

- but actually I think "the Eighth breeds batteries" makes more sense to me than ever if the point of sending Colum's soul away is to take his thalergy to bring Silas more thanergy. Which is siphoning, exactly - it's the avulsion trial. And I suppose that would be easier to do if the necromancer and cavalier were a closer genetic match. But then I guess I don't understand why everyone else in the room loses color when that happens. Is that because of where Silas is sending Colum in those moments?

- also then it makes me wonder if Cam and Pal really could have done the avulsion trial without giving Cam brain damage. They are a super close genetic match. Harrow and Gideon are *not*, of course, but I think they pulled through because Gideon has extra thalergy from her dad's side.

- you know who would be a PERFECT genetic match? the Tridentarii! really wondering if this will come up in Alecto... Corona actually would be perfect for Ianthe to siphon because there is no genetic difference between them.

- is it going to be important at some point that the Chaturs have been cavaliers since the time of the Resurrection? is Jeannemary a descendant of Titania?

- when Teacher laments the "poor child" he could be talking about... almost anyone. Dulcinea, Cytherea, Isaac, Jeannemary. Anastasia. Like really anyone

- in retrospect it's extremely weird that Aiglamene tells Gideon she's up to the standards of "a bad cavalier, one who's terrible" and then when Gideon gets to Canaan House and starts dueling people, she's like one of the best? Crazy fast, hero-worshipped by Jeannemary, and even Babs said it was "incredible" to fight her. Like that's strange that Aiglamene's expectations were apparently much higher than any House cavalier primary.

- there's something so fascinating about the scene where Babs stops Corona from fighting Gideon. like it becomes really clear to me that he is in on Ianthe's ruse, and that Corona has been fighting to get out of it for a long time - maybe her whole life - and can't. They're both terrified of Ianthe and Babs is constantly trying to protect Corona *from Ianthe*. But Corona is so tied up in the toxicity of the relationship, and the love of it, that she can't accept Babs' help even when consists only of taking her side in an argument between the twins, as in the first scene when they're overheard on the stairs. She can't even accept Babs' help when it consists of dying instead of her. Ugh the whole thing is so domestic-abuse coded...

- "she had bitten him, apparently to soothe her own obscure feelings" I say this to/about my cats often

idk probably more later

[rafferty3207]

not to be impatient or ungrateful but too good to be true part 3 when 😩

its funny you say that today of all days bestie

Too Good to Be True (part three)

warning: fem!reader, passing mention of creepy dude, angst (but only at the beginning dw), then tooth rotting fluff

A/N: I hope you like this ending! in my mind this is done but not over - I will definitely be doing drabbles of this pair in future, but for now I hope you enjoy!

____

part one | part two

“Oi, prick, are you even paying attention?” Roy barks at Jamie, who is sitting staring at his phone.

“Er, yeah, coach, it’s just -just-”

“Just what? Spit it out?”

“How do ya access your voicemails?”

“Jamie. What the fuck are you talking about?”

He holds up the screen to Roy’s face.

You have a new voicemail.

“Jamie, I wouldn’t worry about it, it's probably some berk trying to sell you organic viagra or something. Now please can we get back to the football?”

“I just need to check Coach. To make sure of…something, but I’ve never listened to a voicemail before.”

“Christ you find new ways to make me feel old Jamie.” But before he can make another comment, Roy notices the sad look in Jamie’s eyes. He hasn’t been his usual irritating self this morning, no sassy quips or anything, and he looks like he’s barely slept. “Who are you expecting a voicemail from?”

Jamie looks up at him with those puppy dog eyes. “Oh for fuck’s sake, it’s that girl isn’t it? What did you do now, you silly twat?” 

“I didn’t do anything. I mean I kissed her -”

“Oh my god, that Simone Biles bollocks was about her wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, but it's an inside joke-”

“Hand me the phone.”

“Er, I dunno-”

“Just give it, Jamie.” Jamie reluctantly passes it over. “You dial a three digit number, which will access your number. You’re on the same network as me so-” Roy types the digits and hands it back. “But once you’re done, you’re doing 50 press ups for wasting my fucking time.” Roy goes into another room.

Jamie raises the phone to his ear tentatively. Of course, it’s you.

___

The gallery session had been, in polite terms, a complete shit show. You were late because you couldn’t figure out how to get into the building, then you couldn't find some of the papers with your plan on them, and therefore you spent several hours using what little you have of your phone battery to try and improvise a plan from your memories. You’re finally done, but by this point it’s almost midnight.

“This is your first exhibition, isn’t it?” Simon, the gallery owner looks at you hunched over, shoving the papers back in the bag.

“Yeah, how did you guess? Don’t answer that, that was sarcasm.” You say, continuing to scramble. “So what’s happening PR wise? Are we sending press releases, inviting reviewers, that sort of thing?”

Simon scoffs. 

“What? I get it I'm a nobody, but what about the big Emin retrospective you’ve got coming up in October? I’ve seen posters for that everywhere.”

“That’s pretty much all her team. Besides, when you’re Emin you don’t need the PR really. Of course, we’ll do our best and we’ve got it on our website and social media of course, but our comms person resigned so at the moment we’re a rather limited team. This is such a short period, it’s an interim show. It’s why we could offer it, but you knew that right?”

“Mhmm, yeah, of course.” You say, biting your lip. You don’t know what you expected, instead wearily picking up your bag.

“Right, I best head off, but I’ll see you in two days!” You power walk off while your voice can still sound fake cheerful. Now how do I go back from here? You wonder, pulling your phone out.

Of course, it dies at that very moment.

“Shit!”

___

You eventually manage to navigate home, although the walk takes three times as long especially after one man seems to walk right behind you for ages until you get to the high street and the tube stops running mid way through, so you have to persuade a nice older woman to look up the bus route on her phone. As you walk into your house and flop onto the couch, you remember.

Jamie.

Fuck. You hoped he didn’t take your note the wrong way. You plug your phone in and sit huddled until the screen turns back on.

11 missed calls. 13 messages.

hey Simone xoxo

out at drinks at the moment but I’ll be back asap xoxo

theres a cocktail i think you’d like here  xoxo

on my way home now! xoxo

where are you xoxo

u alright

u ok???

Where are you??

Just let me know ur home safe (or dont if u dont want to)

Im not asking to be creepy sorry if it came off like that

Im sorry if i scared you off

i shouldn’t have kissed you

Lets just forget it happened

Sorry again

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Let’s just forget it happened. You felt sick to your stomach. You picked up the phone with incredibly shaky hands and pressed the dial button.

_____

“Er, hey Jamie, it’s me. Sorry to leave you a voicemail, it feels old school doesn’t it? I don’t even know how to listen to my own voicemails, not sure why I’m sending you one. Well I do, I’ve rung a few times and you’re not picking up and everytime I try and say what I want in a text it comes off wrong - ugh, sorry I’m rambling. Anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t reply, my phone has been dead the whole way home and I had to try and find my way back and the tube is shit and buses are shit and all I wanted was for you to come and pick me up in that ugly orange car of yours but I couldn’t. So that’s that. Did you get my note? I completely forgot but I had the exhibition planning session today and everything that could possibly go wrong did and it’s been a fucking nightmare and to be honest Jamie, I don’t know why I’m doing it anymore. I thought this was my one chance to finally become a big shot artist but it turns out I have to market it basically all by myself and I have no time and know barely anyone so let’s be honest, no one is going to come and it will all be forgotten about and I will prove once again I am the failure my father thinks I am.”

Jamie hears a shuddering intake of breath.

“Sorry, I’m rambling again. I’m sorry Jamie. I really did mean to wait for you. I’ve still got your shirt and everything. It’s just, I’m so stressed and I need to finish these paintings but also why should I finish these paintings but also I want them to be perfect and - and - and I don’t want to do this over voicemail but I don’t want to forget about us but also I have so much work to do and I’m so fucked -”

Jamie listens to you choke down a sob, before sniffing.

“I have to go, but call me back or something. Or maybe I could see you at the exhibit? You’ll probably be the only one attending. Goodbye, Jamie. Sorry again.”

Jamie’s heart was breaking, but not in the way he expected. You were so strong for him but all the while there you were, clearly dealing with your own shit and struggling and he hadn’t even noticed. He hated the idea that he had made things worse.

Now, he knew what he had to do.

___

It is the opening night of the exhibit and you are adjusting your hair for the fiftieth time. The gallery had extended their publicity to a small private view with a few glasses of wine and bottles of beer, but that was it. So you had spent the last three days painting almost non-stop, sending the invitations to everyone you know and barely sleeping. You just hoped your makeup would cover the dark circles under your eyes. You had worn your favourite dress and done your hair especially so you would at least feel like the real deal, but that was quickly waning. 

It had been fifteen minutes and not one single person had showed up. The one event staff was already looking at you as if to ask whether they could go home early. You started to look at your phone while downing the glass of wine in your hand. Still not a word from Jamie. You hadn’t heard from him since you sent the voicemail and you felt embarrassed just thinking about it. It seemed like you were going to need more wine.

But then, a man enters. He is wiry, with a blazer and a glorious grey and black shoulder length mane. He is holding a notebook and looking around keenly. You have no fucking idea who he is.

“Can I help you?”

“Ah yes, I’m Trent Crimm.”

“Are you sure you’re in the right place?”

“I’m here for the exhibit Everything In Its Right Place.” You nod, dumbstruck. “Ah, great, don’t mind me.”

You watch him as he looks at each painting before scribbling in his notepad. That was strange.

After him walks in one of the most beautiful women you have seen, followed by a small man wearing glasses.

“Hello, welcome to the Private View!” You say a little bit too loudly, and you worry that the wine may have gone to your head. The woman leans over to you and of course she smells beautiful too. “Hello, I’m Rebecca. Is it alright if some of my friends come in too?”

“Absolutely, the more the merrier!”

A couple more glamorous women file in, as well as some fancy looking older gentlemen in suits. Behind them is a colourful blond haired woman with an Essex accent and a very fluffy jacket, talking about how her PR firm which is on the hunt for new talent. You made a mental note to talk to her later, and as you do she looks over at you and winks, which makes you feel flustered. 

The events staff comes over.

“Are they on the guest list?”

“Oh yeah.” You keenly nod, hoping they are not paid enough to grass you up.

And then walks in a very familiar moustachioed man.

“Why, you must be the modern Louise Bourgeois our Jamie has been speaking so highly of.” You don’t expect the honeyed Southern twang and you find yourself blushing. He’s more handsome than the small picture by Jamie’s bed gave away.

“I wish! Although Jamie knew who Louise Bourgeois was?”

“I mean, I think he is more of a Georgia O’Keefe guy. But I love old Lou Lou. Art is a guarantee-”

“Of sanity. Very impressive -?”

“Theodore Lasso, at your service ma’am. Although my friends call me Ted.”

“Are we friends?”

“I sure hope to be. Jamie will not stop going on about how great you are, so I thought I best see it in person myself.” He offers a hand and you feel yourself go even redder.

“Well, it is lovely to make your acquaintance, Ted.” 

You see Trent’s head has whipped around this point and he is striding towards Ted.

“Ted you’re going to love these paintings -” Trend hooks his arm in Teds and Ted waves you a goodbye as he is quickly dragged off. 

You see all of Jamie’s teammates file in after Ted, including Roy who gives you a little nod. They have all brought people with them, including some women who you swear might be famous models, and before long the room is densely packed. You can’t believe it. You even have a few people come up to you to ask for interviews, and once the Trent man has sufficiently shown Ted around the room several times over, he asks if you want to be profiled for one of the big papers.

“I’ve always liked highlighting promising new talent in any field, and I feel you’d be a great match.” He smiles at you and you feel your stomach start to fizz. The one waiter who has been frantically pouring drinks for the last half hour runs over to you.

“A couple of people want to buy the paintings, are they for sale?”

“All the ones without red dots are, yeah.”

“How much do they cost?”

“How much are they willing to pay?” The waiter runs off and comes back, handing a long list of offers. Your eyes boggle at the amount.

“Fuck me.”

“Someone said they wanted to snap you up before Satchel did or something?”

“I assume they mean Saatchi.” The waiter shrugs. “Call Simon, he’ll help with the sales.

“I don’t think he’ll pick-”

“Send him a picture of the offers. He’ll definitely pick up.”

The waiter hurries off and you stare at the piece of paper. You can’t believe all this is happening. But you still check your phone.

Are you coming?

No reply.

“Ted? I don’t suppose you heard anything from Jamie did you?”

He smiles and taps his nose.

“I’m afraid I was sworn to secrecy.”

You get back to your wine. That would be a weird response if he had told Ted he never wanted to see you again. But the whole day was starting to feel very weird. You decided to pop out for some fresh air.  However, as you walk outside you see a very familiar orange car parked outside. In the driver's seat is Jamie in a suit, holding flowers, staring at his phone.

“You know, I didn't order an Uber.”

Jamie jumps.

“Jesus woman, you nearly scared the living daylights out of me!”

“I could say the same of you. Can I come in?”

He gestures to the seat next to him. You walk around and slide into the car. 

“You look stunning.” Jamie says, looking over you and you suddenly feel very naked in this dress.

“Thanks. It’s certainly an improvement from when you usually pick me up.” You fiddle with your hem. “So can you tell me why you’re sitting outside my exhibit instead of going inside? You’re the only person here who is actually on the guest list.”

He looks back down at the flowers.

“I dunno. I guess I was worried you might not want to see me after, y'know" He nods his head towards you. The kiss. Before you can reply, he starts talking again. "That’s why I got everyone else here first.”

“This was all you?”

He looks out the front of the window.

“I mean the boys wanted to come anyway, but I spoke to Rebecca and Ted and Keeley. It was Ted’s idea to invite Trent, because he knows lots of people at papers, and Keeley knows people through her firm and Rebecca knows loads of rich guys because I dunno, she’s rich and fit -”

You reach over and gently touch his arm.

“Thank you Jamie, this means a lot - ”

“Any time. I just want you to be happy, you know?” You grip his arm a little tighter.

 “But you didn’t have to do any of this. I would have been happy if you were the only person who showed up.” Jamie finally looks at you. You just stare at each other for a moment, saying nothing. At this point you reach over and tenderly place your lips on his. He doesn't resist, immediately putting his hand on the side of your neck. Your hands start wandering down his torso before he pulls away suddenly.

“I don't want you thinking I'm trying to buy you or something. Me and Roy watched Pretty Woman the other week but I swear-"

"I know Jamie. Besides, you haven't even bought a painting yet." You try to laugh him off but he holds you firm.

"I just want you to remember you earned this. You are really, really talented, it's just - it's just everyone needs help sometimes"

You are suddenly struck silent for a moment, your eyes watering.

"Ah fuck, I didn't want to make you cry again!"

You sniff. "This is good crying though, I swear! I just never realised you were so wise."

"Oi you cheeky mare, I'm trying to be nice!" You both laugh, before he reaches over and threads his fingers between yours. "I think I’m in love with you, you know?"

He looks up at you, uncertain. Your stomach is fizzing, but in a way that makes you feel like you could fly. You smile.

"I know. The thing is, I'm in love with you too, Jamie Tartt." You stare at each other, before your lips crash into each other, your hands crawling all over your torsos and necks, your breathing becoming more ragged before Jamie pulls away again.

"Now come on you, this is your big night, remember. We better get inside before we have to go right here in the back like a pair of teenagers."

You place a hand on his thigh. "I mean, that sounds good to me."

""You are gonna be the death of me, I swear." He opens the car door. 

"Actually, to be fair there is one painting I think you should see."

The two of you stroll into the gallery holding hands.

"Fucking finally." Roy exclaims, before patting Jamie on the shoulder. "Now don't fuck it up Jamie, I like this one." You and Roy share a smile. You felt like you had something to thank him for, but you weren’t sure what.

"I see you met Jamie." You turn around to see a small old woman in colourful clothing.

“Sylvia? What are you doing here, I thought you weren’t back for another week?”

Sylvia gestures to a handsome older gentleman in the corner “Of course I had to see your exhibit darling! Now don’t worry darling, I’m staying with one of my good friends.” She winks before leaning in conspiratorially. “You’ll have the flat all to yourself.”

“Sylvia!” You swat her arm.

“What? Your mother told me you were going through a dry spell. I’m just so glad you and Jamie finally got to meet.”

Your mouth is agape. You said that months and months ago -

“Jamie darling, it's so nice to see you again!” Sylvia airkisses Jamie, before swanning off. You lean into the crook of Jamie's shoulder. You’d say you hate how natural it feels, but you fucking love it.

“Do you think Sylvia set this whole thing up? Between you and me?”

“Well, she did keep telling me she knew the perfect woman for me, with a fantastic arse-”

“Jamie!” You poke his cheek. “Although speaking of fantastic arse, let me show you my painting!” You drag him over to the biggest painting in the room. It is rich and vibrant and while somewhat abstract, almost definitely a nude. “What do you think?”

“I think it will be perfect in my living room. Well, almost perfect.”

“Almost? What else could be more perfect than this?” You gesture to the bum cheeks.

Jamie rolls his head as if mulling it over.

“You?”

You roll your eyes. “Oh my god Jamie Tartt, where did you pick up such a naff line? You’re lucky you are very handsome.” You reach up to kiss him, your fingers brushing his neck and jaw. and he leans to whisper in your ear. 

“You know, now you’re gonna be a famous artist now, someone may actually try to kidnap you. You might need some form of security.”

“True. Do you know anyone?”

“No.” You laugh. “But I do know an excellent driver. And he does know a lot of excellent private spots.”

“How soon can he start?”

“How about right now?” You take his hand in yours.

“Sounds perfect to me.”

---

Ah hope you all enjoyed this two silly billys in love! Pls send me requests of any headcanons/drabbles you'd be interested in seeing that I can bash out while working on this new juicy Roy Kent fic!!

@thebookwormlife @taytaylala12 @eugene-emt-roe @skewcherries @okkkkkkkksure @beingalive1 @gothicwidowsworld @atjamesbbarnes @e-mmygrey

[xenosagaepisodeone]

it's so funny that this documentary exists. a retrospective on a band that has existed for nearly 30 years that is as tepid as said band's creative output. This is all clearly marketing for I guess younger post-covid nickelback fans who weren't old enough to participate in making fun of nickelback when it was the in thing, but ultimately the documentary has nothing to say because there isnt anything to say. a representative from their label accidentally alludes to this: for a time, nickelback's uncontroversial commercial sound was the only thing keeping the lights on at the studio, and the money they made went on to support the metal artists under the same label (take from that what you will). the beats the doc takes us through are the following: "were small town guys who aggressively marketed and got big because we were in spider-man" "we had some health problems, but we're fine now" "we were a meme and it kind of hurt our feelings, but were fine now" "we had some lows where things were difficult for us creatively, but were fine now". there's even a dramatic point where one band member talks about nervously going back to make amends with a bandmate they had to kick out and....it goes completely fine. No talk of struggles with sex or drugs or family, even! A largely safe, frictionless career, which is probably why this film struggles to escape the confines of it's blatant marketing framing. nickelback was monoculture without a brand in the 2000s (at least Here In Canada). This is How You Remind Me was smattered all over the radio for years (the documentary mentioned at one point nickelback would be played on the radio once ever 3 minutes in the US) but what was nickelback as a band? the exact same as seether or creed or 3 doors down...did I mention that their current drummer is actually the former drummer of 3 doors down? the film is painfully aware that part of the reason why it was so easy to take potshots at nickelback was because of this interchangeable identity but refuses to contend with it. as ryan reynolds proclaims at the beginning and towards the end of the film "it's time to admit nickelback is actually awesome", because if they sound good, what else do they need to really be, right?

if taylor swift is monoculture as horror then nickelback is monoculture as existential horror, specifically. at one point in the doc, chad kroeger says that he doesn't know what he is without nickelback, that the band is more or less his identity, and that all he would be without it is "the guy who makes jokes". this could easily be played up to give some semblance of heart, but I don't think it's necessarily dishonest. at a point, kroeger talks to his brother about how they can't rely on doing covers as often as they do. at his concert he wears band shirts for other bands (not a weird thing on its own btw just in this one context). Hes aware of being "nirvana-lite" and its likely the inspiration behind his infamous ramen hair/beard look. his mom says that being the face of the band is what repels him from getting married or having kids like his brother (do i mention that this doc barely gives a shit about the other members). they mention his brief marriage to fellow canadian export avril lavigne, who is the only person he or his wikipedia article ever reference romantically, and I can't help but wonder if there was some motivation to be a canadian musician power couple behind it all. the documentary predictably makes a big deal about the fact he's from canada, and with the lack of well, Self that is present here I can only assume that "canadian" was meant to fill the slot where "identity" was meant to be.

none of this is even me being mean. I like buttrock. when their songs from the aughts come on the radio, I go "mm...alright" and let it play like i do with old eminem or evanescence. my mom is a nickelback superfan (self professed #1 fan, even) and the copy of All The Right Reasons I bought for her birthday when I was 12 is probably one of the few non-burned cds she still has. and when I ask her what she likes so much about them beyond the passable rock angle, she goes "chad kroeger is so cute n_n"

[inconspicious-random-thoughts]

Lately I’ve been thinking about everyone’s favorite pyromaniac Cherri Bomb. The Addict video gave us a glimpse of her former partner/ex Izzi, who was implied to have been her Valentino. “Welcome To Heaven” showed us that Cherri has some extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms that she initially tried to rope Angel into to help deal with his trauma with Val (excessive drinking and drug use), and didn’t seem to comprehend how bad this was for him until he vocally affirmed his commitment to redemption. I have to wonder if this was just Cherri being Cherri, or if it was something that she learned from Izzi, who may have convinced her to indulge in excessive hedonism to get around having to actually address her issues in a healthy way (as some abusers tend to do to maintain control over their victims).

Hello, my friend.

I haven't placed much thought into Cherri backstory. I think the difference between Cherri situation with Izzi compared to Angels with Val, is Cherri still owns her soul-probably. But Angel and Cherri probably bonded by the shitty people in their lives and coping with drugs to numb the pain and forget how miserable they are.

Not knowing much about the characters it a little hard to guess why Cherri stay with Izzi if he bad news. Cherri seems too independent, carefree, and confident to hint she being taken advantage of.

But, she might be similar to Angel and that personality is a facade. A mask she puts on. But if there is a reason why Cherri stays/returns to Izzi, I am guessing she believe its love. Izzy probably came along not long after Cherri fell. Making most of her time in Hell with Izzy. She choose Izzi when he sounded like he can offer a Heaven in Hell to her. He said things that Cherri soul craved for, offer to ease her burdens. He felt like a soul mate. But the fantasy he gave slowly chipped away. So slowly that it went unnoticed until it was gone. He'll offer crumbs of that fantasy life that Cherri ate up. She believed there be more not realizing she be starved before she'll get fed. Not realizing she hungry for nourishment because Izzi fed her empty calories of drugs and other forms of escapism. Drugs taken too often to realize her feeling good while being with Izzi was drug induced then genuine, and too high to notice.

However, I think she did woke up for the dream turned nightmare and left. But Izzi influence still impactful to her.

We get to meet Cherri in the pilot. I was excited to meet her again in episode 6. But oh, she made me so mad! She was so pushy trying to enable Angel back into drugs.

In retrospect, Cherri probably didn't realize Angel started to get more committed with the hotel, especially with Husk involvement. Angel probably needed a friend who he felt safe with and confined in. Which Cherri is...but her company typically involved drugs and partying. Husk offered the same friend service as Cherri but minus the drugs and more of a perceptive voice of reason. Husk service is more in align of Angel commitment to the hotel.

But back to Cherri. Pilot we learn Angel been "mostly clean" for two weeks when Cherri asked where hes been. Angel ranting on how lame everything is now for basically to have a free place to crash. Not at all imply he taking it seriously, because at this point...he wasn't.

So fast forward to Episode 6. I can see Cherri probably figured Angel was clean because of the hotels policy that he has blown off before....not realizing Angel was actually trying to be be clean because he wanted to.

So when she overheard him talk with Val...and shit..Angel must be serious to go up against Val like that. She backed off and respected his choice and offer herself whenever Angel needed her as a friend while trying to remove herself from tempting Angle to her parting ways.

Then she shows up again in episode 8 to risk her soul to back Angel up against exorcist. Like Holy shit thats huge. She has nothing to gain beside keeping her friends safe and a lot to lose. That says a lot about her character.

Returning back to her enabling Angel that night. You are probably right with being Cherri coping mechanism. She knows what makes her feel better, even if temporary, and she trying to share it with Angel after his long hard day. Which she knows, is his coping ways too. She was genuinely trying to help Angel. They cant do shit to solve the problem. The problem being Val and his contract. So what do you do when you can't solve a problem or make it better? You try to forget it until you have to face it again. So Cherri try helping by giving him an escape and a night free of consequences and letting loose. A technique that seems very on par on something Cherri would do if she can't solve something by blowing it up.

Crazy idea just came. I don't think this would be canon but it be interesting. What if they were a young married couple while alive. They both Australian look somewhat similar to each other. Perhaps they had a bombing accident that killed them both. Which is why their Hell bodies are similar? Cherri sticking with Izzy because wouldn't you want some sense of familiarity if you suddenly and tragically died and wind up in Hell. Even if their marriage was hitting rocks, and couldn't trust him completely....its better to have one person she can somewhat trust when she first fell. Trust how he think and react etc. It was a sense of some normalcy despite being in Hell. Izzy constantly reminding her that she's his wife. She probably left after they had a argument. Bitterly saying "Til death do us part" as she reflected on the fight...to suddenly realized...they are technically not married anymore since they died. So she left.

What be funny if they both fell and immediately starting to fight like an old married couple.

"What the shit is this?" *looks around the hellish hell...Both spotting each other...who sounded familiar and somewhat look familiar despite their new forms. They called each other human names questionly.

"What the fuck happened. Where are we..?" Million of questions fly to their heads. They both nearly hyperventilation as they try to figure out this nightmare. They try to recall the last thing they remember....they accidently blown themselves out.

"I told you not to buy those cheap ass bombs! The quality is shit!"

"I told you those fuses look short!"

They continue to bicker until another sinner/demon looms over them looking threatening. The two reconcile for now to go somewhere safe and rely on each other.

[dalesramblingsblog]

I don't know if it's just me, and maybe it's just my asexuality showing, but I generally find the way a lot of guys talk about porn and porn addiction (setting aside the debate over what even classifies as "porn addiction," and no I don't want to read the latest evangelical Christian think tank-funded "research" paper on the subject) to be... so very strange.

Like don't get me wrong, do some men have unhealthy relationships with porn? Yes. But some of you guys, I dunno man. I've seen guys say, with their full chest, shit along the lines of "Yeah I saw 0.01 pixels from a porn video and I spontaneously lost all capacity for empathy and the ability to see women as human beings."

And I'm gonna be real with you, I don't think that's normal, but I'm also... not sure that that's entirely the porn? Like if your ability to conceive of other human beings as human beings is *that* fragile, I think there's something else going on as well.

It's weird because I mean, I was a teenage boy. Quite recently too. I grew up in the 2010s. So to a certain extent... I get it, I guess? And again I think in retrospect at least part of this was my asexuality affecting my thought processes without me realising it, and simply not experiencing sexual attraction in the way most people do (i.e. at all, really).

But this idea that the slightest exposure to pornography will totally and utterly obliterate your ability to be normal about women just never really made sense to me.

To a certain extent I think it's just that I had countless close female friendships to begin with, so I just... continued to be normal with them, even on the off-chance that I developed an unrequited crush or whatever.

And of course, in a rather bleakly hilarious post-script, in catching up with friends from high school years later I've been told "Wait I thought you were gay?", which I guess was the going gossip about me. Which is amusingly indicative, I think; the fact that the only *possible* reason a boy could have for not being aggressively horny around girls 24/7 is that he's gay.

(Then again my overdramatic, slightly exaggerated persona probably didn't exactly do much to cut against the stereotypical "gay" image that these folks no doubt had. But fuck you that's just my personality, I can't help it if you're a presumptuous ass.)

It's not even that I take objection to being assumed to be gay - though, y'know, speculating on people's sexualities is kinda weird, particularly if you're gonna treat it as some "answer" to the mystery of "why isn't he perpetually, obnoxiously sexual around women" - but it's all just so revealing of the extent to which "being a man" is defined by "having nothing to do with women, unless you're horny about them, and never ever on a screen because that's just devious women conspiring to lower men's testosterone and keep them in the friendzone (because ofc women are wholly to blame for any ickiness in porn and sex work, makes perfect sense) and by the way could I have another helping of Catholic guilt talking points."

And like, yeah, no shit you're miserable, my guy, if that's how you define yourself.

[possiblylando]

Chainsaw Man 132 'Early' Analysis

Well I guess we know what Yoshida meant by protecting denji. Back to the start.

I wonder if they do this because they genuinely like Nayuta or because she's using her control devil powers on them? Both are equally possible. Also it didn't click with me last chapter but Nayuta is the only kid wearing a dress shirt. Meaning Denji is definitely the one making her wear it. I can imagine him saying something cheesy like "You have to dress for success!". So- This chapter has a lot of interesting world building around it. Obvious stuff in retrospect and alot of new information to process.

Ignoring the fact they're pointing guns at literal 12 year old children, Who the fuck are these guys? Are they really with Yoshida's group? How the fuck do they have access to this equipment? They must have some sort of connection to the government itself to be able to get riot gear like this. They have to be with Yoshida because he says he's also protecting them.

It makes sense in retrospect but hadn't dawned on me until now. Of course a primal devil coming to earth would effect the entire fucking place and not just a singular city. I do wonder what Falling's automatic effect actually is, If it's just everything begin to fall or if it like- Falls towards her?

Iseumi is back.

Very true to life. The world is currently in the act of being destroyed and instead of anyone giving a shit the people who actually want to stop it are mocked. What the fuck is the point of going to college if you're going to be killed soon after by a giant fucking space demon? Right so Iseumi and Fami are working together. Shows that Fami doesn't care about individual humans she's clearly just using Iseumi expecting him to die at some point.

So now my question is- Who does this hand belong to? It could possible be chainfraud man if he isn't dead after getting trounced in hell by falling. This could also be the last horseman. Last week I talked about the horsemen wanting to save humanity in their own twisted ways. So it's possible that Fami and the final horseman have teamed up. God.

There's a very specific group of chainsaw man fans reading this chapter who are losing their shit. Fujimoto HAS to know about that ship by now. This is just ridiculous.

What do I even fucking say about this?? ?????????? ????????? ???????? ??????? Fuckin- Ya know what Thats all for this one. This ending leaves me so fucking dumbfounded I have nothing else to say. WHY DID HE SAY THIS?

[jackwolfes]

7 and wesper!

a kiss to shut them up

This is a direct follow-on to this ficlet!

Wylan stares, struck dumb. It's anyone's guess why, especially looking back at it in retrospect. His favourite cakes, his favourite spot in the city, his favourite man. Of course Jesper has a ring. Of course he is down on one knee.

In the silence Wylan leaves, Jesper starts to talk.

"Wy," he starts, having to clear his throat once to find his voice. "I am… the luckiest fool in this saintsforsaken city. And I never thought— I never knew there could be something so good in it. But you're good, through and through. Saints, you're the best. I think it's safe to say that you're too good for me but you love me anyway for some reason and I— Saints, I'm not making sense, am I? I just mean—"

He clears his throat again like he has something stuck in it, words tripping off his tongue clumsily. Wylan's heart swells to impossible sizes, fighting for space beside the roses that have bloomed in his soul. He hears every single unsaid thing that Jesper has in his beautiful being, knowing what the love of his life means even though the actual words coming from his tongue are fumbled and sweet. Saints, they're so sweet. Jesper — with his fidgeting fingers on an engagement ring and the way his voice cracks — is sweet.

He's still blathering on, too.

"— and Kaz said the cakes were stupid but I know you love them, merchling, so I figured it couldn't hurt, but—"

Saints above, Wylan loves him.

He stumbles to his feet and pitches forward, clumsily adoring as he throws his arms around his boyfriend's — his fiancés? — shoulders.

Then they're kissing, and the silence that reigns is beautiful liberation.

Jesper's hands clasp Wylan's waist, dragging him in as they both gasp into the shared press of lips. Their weight falters and they tip to the side until Wylan is all but sitting on the stone pavement. At no point do their lips stray apart. Wylan eagerly allows the slide of lips on Jesper's, ceaselessly loving him.

"Saints— Wylan—" Each of Jesper's attempts at speaking fail with another kiss. "Shit, is this— is this a yes?"

"Shut up," Wylan replies breathlessly, leaving a dozen more desperate kisses all over Jesper's cheeks and lips and jaw. "Saints, shut up and kiss me."

Jesper chuckles, breath puffing against Wylan's lips. Their kisses mingle into one beautiful creation, shared and inextricable. Just like the two of them, perhaps.

Sitting on the ground, kissing each other quiet, Wylan feels very ready for the future to come.

[gayofthefae]

Mike liking El romantically when they dated but totally loving being her friend once they were talking again after their breakup. But just wanting to keep in her life so whatever way she wants to do that he accepts (because he isn't gonna risk losing her by asking for anything different).

Mike realizing the day that they move that he has feelings for Will (and in retrospect it makes total sense now why he was so defensive about how "normal" it is to feel torn whenever Will and El were in the same room) and obviously not telling El anything not even that he has feelings for a vague someone else because he's scared of losing her and if she lives across the country she could just choose to not write back and he'd never hear from her again. And on top of that he thinks he can get over it, fix it. So in doing so maybe he avoids calling Will or maybe he doesn't but when he doesn't keep in touch with him, he doesn't write. Because that's for El. And he can't equate anything else he does for El to Will because he can't treat them the same if Will is his FRIEND. And he's trying to see Will as just his friend.

Then he sees them again. And he isn't over Will. So he tries to ignore him (but he can't, and he notices Will is ignoring him too. Which kinda hurts). But then a bunch of shit goes down and he fights with Will and Will does still care but he's calling him out and he just CAN'T deal with this too right now; just doesn't want to think about it. So he shuts him down, grasping at straws desperately to just stop talking about this. And he can't say I love you to El even though he totally does, because he knows she wants him to say it romantically and that feels like a lie. And that kind of lie isn't a line he's willing to cross until he means it. Can make himself mean it. So he's trying and he knows deep down that he can't say it but now that she's gone part of him wishes he just had anyways so that he'd be with her now and be able to help her and protect her. Because all of this was to avoid losing her and he could anyway. And he would do anything not to lose her. Even tell that lie.

And Will is saying it's hard to tell people hard truths when you don't know they'll see you the same and isn't that the truth. And Will is giving him this beautiful painting and telling him how much El loves him and was broken without him. And that's it. He'll just have to commit to it. Because he can't leave her like that. He'll just lie and eventually it'll become the truth and it'll be like it was never a lie in the first place. Fake it til you make it. And then she NEEDS it. She needs it to survive. And Will is encouraging him and it hurts and it's a little hard to say the first time but then he just says it because he knows it's what she needs to hear and he doesn't want to lie but he doesn't want to lose her ABOVE that. So he tells a bunch of technical truths like: me not saying it has nothing to do with you, you're amazing, my life is better because you came into it, I couldn't tell you the truth because I'm scared of losing you.

And now he's where he was. Fake it til you make it, I guess. And Will doesn't love him back, he never even considered he would (okay maybe for the split second after he said "what about us?" but that was wishful thinking). That would be stupid, false hope. So he and Will are best friends again. And he and El are dating. And he's just gonna continue his life the way it was and hope that at some point his feelings for Will go away and everything works itself out. Because it isn't ideal but where he's at isn't BAD. He can work with this. He loves both of them and both of them are still in his life. He's not gonna do anything to fuck that up.

Tldr:

Mike liked being friends with El in season 3. Mike realized the day Will and El moved that he had feelings for Will and wanted to be friends with El and didn't tell El even vaguely about it because he didn't want to lose her. He didn't want to say I love you because he knew she would think it was romantic and that felt like a lie, but he ended up prioritizing not losing her over not telling that lie and tried to tell it as truthfully as possible. And now he's back where he started: no even consideration of Will possibly reciprocating, trying to fake it til he makes it with El and hoping it all works itself out, and not daring change a thing because he doesn't want to lose either of them.

...until he finds out he has a shot. And his mind comes crashing down. Because what do you do when you want one person so bad but having them means you could lose someone else? What do you do when you could lose one person by changing and lose the other by not changing at all? (pssst: he isn't gonna lose either. Because they both want him as much as they need him and would stay long-term no matter what his choice so he just needs to follow his heart, he's allowed)

[tropes-and-tales]

FOREHEAD KISSES FOREHEAD KISSES FOREHEAD KISSES with Benny please, if these asks are still open!

The nurse warns them that you’re still out of it, still in that liminal space between anesthetized sleep and wakefulness. 

“You can go back and see her,” she tells them.  “But she’s still a little…loopy.”

Loopy hardly captures it.  You’re a lightweight, Borracho knows.  You never partake in the harder drugs at their parties, and you limit yourself to a single beer when you go out.  Hell, even an extra Coke in the afternoon is enough to set you bounding around, full of caffeinated energy.  

Anesthesia and then the good pain killers delivered intravenously?  Forget loopy.  You’re telegraphing from another dimension entirely.

Case in point?  He hears you before he sees you.  You’re singing “Hurts So Good,” but mostly mumbling it.  It’s loud enough to hear that you are just mumble-singing the chorus, but it’s enough to make Big Nick groan, “fuck, it’s karaoke hour, I guess.”

When Borracho and Nick enter your room, you look up.  Your face lights up to see them.  Given how shitty you looked just hours earlier, it makes Borracho’s stomach swoop in relief.

“Big Nick!” you exclaim.  “And Borracho.  Big Ben!”  You laugh at your own joke, wince and lay a bracing arm over your abdomen.  “Shit, why’ve we never called you Big Ben?  Thass a better nickname.”

He can’t help but grin at you.  “How you feeling, champ?”

“Good.”  You smile back at him, give him a thumbs up.  “How you feelin’?”

“Better.”  He pulls a chair over to the side of your bed and sits down.  “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Scared all of us,” Nick interjects.  He remains standing, leans against the doorway.  “Next time you want an ambulance ride, be a real cop and get shot.  Save this burst appendix shit for, fuck…I dunno…mall cops.”

You flip him the middle finger, and Borracho studies you closer.  Already you look better.  That morning you had rolled into work looking rough:  wan with a grey cast to your skin, a sheen of sweat on your forehead.  Now the color is back in your face.  The rictus of pain is gone, replaced by the goofy grin that curves your lips.

“I’m gonna head back,” Nick continues.  “Borracho, you good to stick around?”

He nods.  “Yeah, I’ll keep you updated.”

-----

There’s not much to update Nick on, and besides—Borracho wants to keep this moment private, between the two of you.  

He puts on a strong front, a neutral face, but you scared him shitless.  The way you slumped over at your desk, how hard you cried in pain as he called for the ambulance….of course, in retrospect, it was obviously a burst appendix, but in that moment, he had been terrified, confused.  There was no obvious injury, and he had felt helpless.  All he could do was grip your hand in his, tuck his flannel under your head and wait for the EMTs.

“You really scared me,” he tells you again, his voice soft.  You’ve calmed a little (no longer singing, no longer calling him “Big Ben”), and you turn your head on the pillow to fix him with a glassy look.

“I know.  I’m sorry.”

“Despite what Big Nick says, I’d prefer it if you don’t get shot either.  You know, going forward.”

You smile at him.  “’m not planning on it, Borracho.”

“Good.”  He reaches out, pats you gently on your shoulder.  “I’d hate to break in a new partner.”

You snort, then wince at the effort.  You roll your head back on the pillow and close your eyes.  “Who broke in who, huh?”

“I was in Major Crimes first.”

“Yeah, and you were as feral as the rest of ‘em.  I’m the one who housebroke you.”

He chuckles and sits back in his seat, crosses his arms over his chest.  “Make me sound like a stray dog.”

“Mmm,” you agree, and your voice is getting thick with impending sleep.  “A cute stray.”

His stomach swoops again at your words, and he studies you.  Your eyes are closed, and he can hear the way your breathing lengthens, stretches out.  You’re finally falling asleep, right after calling him cute and setting the butterflies aflutter in his stomach.  

“I’m glad you’re okay,” he says softly, and there’s no response beyond your steady breathing.

Maybe it’s the adrenaline dump from the stress of your collapse in the office finally hitting him.  Maybe it’s that old cliché, the brush with death that reveals feelings.  Maybe it’s seeing you—unflappable, unstoppable you—so vulnerable in a hospital bed.

Borracho doesn’t know what it is, but something pushes him out of his chair until he’s standing over you.  He bends his head and presses a gentle kiss to your forehead.

When he pulls back and glances down at you, you’re staring right back at him.

That makes his stomach turn in anxiety, but you offer him a soft, drowsy smile and mumble, “you leaving?”

“Nah.”  He sits back down, plays it as cool as he can.  “I’ll stay until they kick me out.”

It’s not a big thing.  You’ll bring it up later, once you’re healed and back in the office, once you have him alone and can talk to him.  Right now, you just close your eyes again, smile again…but then you add, “thanks, Benny.”

[griancraft]

Ok as per my last post. This is Long and very much about my feelings so uh don’t read it if you don’t want to. Also I’m aware I sound genujneky crazy for half of this I’m just really really mentally ill in ways I don’t talk about here at all and now I am sharing them and it’s. A little scary but oh well. The system stuff is the stuff I’m most concerned about right now to be honest bc it effects my day to day and if anyone has any kind words or thoughts on what to do I’ll be happy to listen

Please read my previous post if you’re mad /gen I don’t think I say anything bad here but I have really bad morality ocd so like uhm I am scared to post this!!! Prev post

Also I’m very sorry that the prose is terrible to read and my spelling is shit I have dyspraxia which is a coordination thing and it’s worse rn

The maybe I was boring album came on yesterday while I was cleaning and I had to stop what I was doing and turn it off halfway through because I just couldn’t stop hearing an admission. I wasn’t even sad I was just. So done with it. I still am just kinda like. God I hope Shelby is doing ok with all this being public now. I’m glad she was able to heal like she said and I’m glad she made the video dude.

I almost got his lyrics tattooed if that’s testament to how much I loved his early music. It’s not connecting in my brain that this music that’s been apart of my life for like 4 years and helped me through so much was made by an abuser.

But like, in retrospect you can see it. I can’t bear to delete ycgma off my mp3 player bc I related to his songs so much as an abused lonely teenager but I also can’t bare to listen to it. I learned the fall on my guitar as my final exam and I used to repeat his lyrics to myself to cope with abuse and I wish I could still love these songs. I dressed like his dsmp character bc I thought it made me look cool. Which is lame as fuck to admit now lol

Originally I was planning on pirating them and I like, can’t especially after that manipulative ass statement. How much was an act? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m a bad person because I still kinda do want to listen to that music again. I still want to feel that safe but I know I won’t feel that way anymore.

with dsmp stuff I think I’m going to be still able to look back fondly on it generally and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. The community was what made it and the community is what I loved, and i still do. I don’t think I’m going to reblog art of him specifically but if he’s in it I might. Idk. My policy on dream fanart is if he’s not alone in the art and it’s dsmp or mcc related I reblog so I guess I’ll continue that here. Im sorry if that sounds callous I just. Am not prepared to talk about this so I’m going back and forth

And like. We also have a wilbur factive/fictive and we have for years now and nobody in our system knows how to feel about that. He formed to fill the role of a big brother (I was being heavily emotionally neglected at that point and needed someone to be there for me) and protector from my parents abuse. Obviously, he is entirely separate from his source now bc alters change a lot for me but how we picture him is still wilbur. he’s literally just some guy now but grappling with that connection is fucked up dude it’s weird. He’ll probably further distance himself but it still fucking sucks and I don’t know how to communicate the cognitive dissonance we had to push through bc our brain struggled at first to make sense of how this person who we liked so much that he became the template for a Protector to shield us from the emotional neglect and abuse, essentially, is a terrible person. I’m sorry I know people who aren’t systems, and some who are ngl, will find this fuckibg nuts and I get that but we’re a very very internal person like I just. Kinda am with us as a system a lot and nobody else. It feels like my safe space that I’ve created in my head has been marred. Also. uhm. Our alters speak in distinct voices so it’s bad bad for me rn and we are trying to fix it. I know I know fictives and factives arenttheir source but that doesn’t change that it makes me feel gross. I’m rambling rn I’m sorry. Support Shelby.

[blackjackkent]

So. Circus combat!

We have four enemy combatants - our clown friend, plus the two dangerous animal handlers and the blink dog, whose name is Bitey Buddy and is probably about to live up to it.

I have a feeling the displacer beast might have been joining too if Hector hadn't busted the lock on its cage earlier.

Karlach immediately rages and oneshots one of the handlers, because she is MAD pissed about her boyfriend being put on display and treated like that by Absolutist thugs at what was supposed to be a fun time, and, uh...

I guess we could have guessed that, in retrospect. >.<

There are a bunch of cowering civilians hanging around. One of them comments, "I always knew I'd die at a circus," which really makes me wonder WHY THE HELL SHE IS HERE. XD

Interestingly, because they're doppelgangers, they aren't counted as humanoid, which means Hold Person doesn't work (my standard go-to crowd-control in a big fight). Hold Monster, presumably, would but only Gale has that and he is not here.

I had Jaheira turn into a saber-tooth tiger though which was badass.

Shoutout to this random bugbear named Fyodor who decided to join in the fight on our side! He missed every single attack he made during the fight but I respect him for trying.

Karlach then got the kill on the second handler as well, in a way that feels like it must be a glitch. She used Pommel Strike after missing her second attack, and despite it saying it does 1d4 damage and a potential stun, it instead knocked off all 14 of the handler's remaining hit points and killed him.

Go figure.

At this point Dribbles killed a fucking civilian with his first attack, so now Hector is PISSED. He and the others all just gathered around Dribbles and beat the everloving shit out of him.

Get his ass.

"A doppelganger," Shadowheart comments thoughtfully after the fight is over. "At least we didn't kill a real clown in front of an audience."

The lead doppelganger is carrying this note on him:

The He in question, I assume, is Bhaal, and this was all orchestrated by Orin. The Tribunal is curious though. Not sure what that's referring to.

Hector is REALLY unsettled by this whole experience. In the course of this day he has had sharp reminders of Karlach's determination to die free, as well as the fact that literally anyone he talks to going forward could potentially be a shapeshifter in disguise. All that on top of the fact that he just feels incredibly overwhelmed by the whole circus experience, even the "normal" parts.

I think there's a bit more to explore in this area and we'll finish looking around tomorrow, but for now, Hector needs a long rest in a big way.

[sburbian-sage]

so! got one of those classic underwater lands. I had stuff on-hand for it, it's become a bit of a habit to get myself later into the entry chain so i can alchemize protective equipment, but it was still very much a THING when someone hopped over to my Land while I was putting my oxygen tanks on my back. any tips for this sort of thing if it happens again? i've since told everyone else to have a way to breathe underwater if they come here, but i guess i've just got to tell everyone before my Entry to not visit until i give the all-clear, in future sessions. in retrospect making sure im ready for any given situation i can prepare for before entry is probably causing all the batshit lands i keep getting. having easy movement in a three dimensional space is useful, though.

Land Hazards are a bit interesting in that the game will always "just so happen" to negate said hazard for the owner of the Land, at least initially. For example, some Lands are soaked in toxic gas, but "coincidentally" such Lands will only be given to a Doom player (who can breathe that shit naturally) or to someone who already has a gas mask in their possession. Of course, from that point on the player is responsible for getting a proper oxygen supply, or avoiding stuff like "super-toxins" which Doom players arbitrarily cannot breathe (it's just a bullshit railroad so they can have a Land Quest) or stuff like water vortexes and learning how to actually swim. Meaning that even if you didn't make a habit of always being prepared, you would have still entered the game clutching a scuba tank through some contrived series of events. Not that it's a useless habit of course. Better safe than sorry.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. The other players are in fact not immune to Land Hazards. I would say "yes indeed, warn them not to enter your Land before you actually enter"... Except, I think that guy just might be stupid? Even if we assume your Land was not underwater, which really can't be predicted, your Land does not *exist* until Entry. It takes at least the second Gate to enter another Player's Land, which means this guy was speedrunning his head off, and almost literally lost his head, if not to the water then to getting teleporting into ass-end nowhere The Medium, and then getting fragged into paste when an entire planet manifests at his current location. Assuming the Gate would even work.

Rule of thumb, only start traveling to other Lands once everyone's confirmed to have entered. Not only do you avoid situations like the above, you also make sure that you aren't off getting hassled by Consorts while someone is screaming their head off asking for their Server Player to pretty please deploy the Alchemiter so they can stop dying. Do this even if shit goes sideways and it takes one of the players half of the Session to even enter their Land. It's just unprofessional otherwise.

[asleepinawell]

i'm in some sort of Mood about finishing the kh series (for a given value of finished) since I've been playing it since kh1 on ps2 a million years ago but instead of dealing with that i'm going to write my mini retrospective of the titles based on my replay

rest below the line

kh1

story - 7/10. it wasn't the most interesting but it was the first and laid the groundwork for the series. maleficent had a lot of screentime which is always a big plus. love her evil ass. it's also the start of the 'kairi never gets to do anything ever and gets kidnapped every time she tries' persisting problem in the whole series

gameplay - 6/10. feels a bit clunky now in comparison to some of the newer ones. it was harder than some later ones, but mostly because of wonky control issues and not great boss fights. but it's very playable and fun still. mushrooms do a little dance and shake their butt at you. i will never not feel nostalgic about traverse town music. THANK GOD YOU CAN SKIP THE PRE FIGHT CUTSCENES ON RETRIES NOW OH MY GOD YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE ONE BEFORE THE DARK RIKU FIGHT WAS LIKE TEN MINUTES AND BACK IN THE DAY YOU HAD TO REWATCH IT EVERY TIME AAHHHHJHHH *i am tranquilized and removed from the room*

re: chain of memories

story - 8/10. i love the focus on the organization 13 internal drama. bitches are running around bad mouthing and killing each other. larxene is a constant joy. marluxia is pretty and goes swish swish and makes flowers. axel was an instant fave. zexion is a shitty twink and i do so love shitty twinks. there was some disney stuff too i guess

gameplay - 2/10. the first time i played it my brother was crashing at my apartment and watching me play and got very into making cool deck combos. so i had him do that for me and i did the combat and the fun sibling shenanigans got me through it. this time i quit after thirty minutes and watched the cutscenes on youtube. it's just so repetitive and meh

358/2 days

story - 7/10. that's too many soras! put some back! story was a bit slow at times but i did enjoy seeing the daily life of the organization and axel/saïx handling their divorce so so well. needed more demyx

gameplay - it's packaged as a movie now so i did not replay the game and can't fairly rate it. i remember it being not the best combat but not terrible for a ds game

kh2

story - 8/10. it would get higher but the fact the beginning is incomprehensible if you haven't played com and 358 loses it some points....i had not played com when i got kh2 and boy howdy. it made more sense on the replay of course and yeah it's a good story. obsessed with how maleficent remains one of the main recurring characters in this series and just Does Shit from time to time because why not. god forbid women do anything etc. also the gay divorce continues to go terribly. saïx is handling this so well i say as he goes into berserk mode again. needed more riku screentime tho

gameplay - 9/10. huge upgrade from previous titles. it was very fun and fluid. the form shifts were a great addition. there were a lot of options but it didn't feel overwhelming or like it disrupted combat. my only real complaint was it felt a bit too on rails at some parts... like cutscene, battle, walk three steps repeat. oh and i hated the gummi missions but i am a gummi hater in general. oh also antiform was amazing. sora can turn into a feral creature... as a treat

birth by sleep

story - 10/10. fuck i love birth by sleep. aqua my beloved daughter who is the most terrifying keyblade master ever. terra my troubled son who got fucked over by shitty adults on an hourly basis. ven the thousand year old little kid who has never caught a break once. also hey it's xehanort and he also has ex husband drama. only note is that aqua should get to say fuck

gameplay - 10/10. the command deck was right up my alley and command forms were the best form gameplay they've done. i loved how all three kids had a unique style and abilities. i loved melding cards and gems to make new cards. i enjoyed playing monopoly. i thought it was the best game in the series when i first played it and that remains true

re:coded

story - 6/10. it was okay? it was largely a rehash but did add a few things. my friend and i kept saying welcome back alvis whenever data riku used a computer so that was fun

gameplay - this was also presented as a movie in the bundle so i won't score it. i don't even remember how it was from way back when i played it

dream drop distance

story- 9/10. the games that switch between multiple perspectives seem to be my favorites and i think it's partly that it makes the story more interesting. the time traveling norts were a bit wtf but that's just an inescapable part of the series. inspired me to get twewy which i will be playing next. MEOW WOW!!!!!

gameplay - 9/10. flowmotion was really neat and fit the style well. i loved the pokemon aspect so much you have no idea. i was a little sad you couldn't meld command cards but it would have been Too Much with all the other stuff going on. a few fights near the end had some really dumb mechanics (the type where when you look up a guide it just says good luck) but there were also some excellent ones. i do think it lost a little something in the port because the stylus on 3ds was important. however there is nothing is quite as satisfying as seeing meow wow hit xehanort with giant bouncy orbs so I'm willing to forgive it a lot

union x/back cover/dark road

story - 9/10. i was shocked how much i enjoyed the story of these. i got very invested and i was only watching the cutscenes, not playing. really interesting world building and the master of masters was an instant fave. one of the only kh titles that passes (barely) the bechdel somehow. also could be retitled as kh: dead kids, because boy did a lot of kids die! extra points for maleficent managing to set major events in motion twice and being very eh whatever about it. love her for that. and the backstory of the xehanort/eraqus divorce, of course. i love a good divorce

gameplay - didn't play this one, just watched ELEVEN HOURS of cutscenes. no longer available which is hilarious considering how much important lore is in it that is referenced in kh3. hopefully they make it into a single player offline game someday with better gameplay

fragmentary passage

story - 8/10. very short but filled in some gaps. i love aqua so i was predisposed to love this one

gameplay - 8/10. it felt like a rough draft for kh3 and that meant it didn't have all the annoying extra crap kh3 added in and played pretty smoothly. i liked the little puzzles. it was a unique game and i enjoyed it more than i expected

kh3

story - 6/10. the fact i had to sit through entire disney movies worth of cutscenes brings the score way down. we did not need to see 3 musical numbers in frozen. if i wanted that I'd watch the movie. i just wanted to play the damn game. the majority of the game is sora got benched and has to get his groove back which was very disappointing for the climatic finale to the series. once i got into the end game though it was much better (i would rate the later game stuff way above a 6 which just makes my frustration with earlier stuff worse). re:mind added in the bits i felt were missing and i came away satisfied overall with the wrap up. axel/saïx had divorce arc three and then got back together finally 🏳️‍🌈🥂🎉. xehanort/eraqus also got back together as they fucked off to be gay in the afterlife. finally we are free of the norts (OR ARE WE???) and the master and the foretellers are slated to come back next from the looks of things. maleficent continues to hang out in the wings waiting for opportunities to #girlboss and I'm excited too see what cataclysmic events she sets off next

so that's it. i did watch the brief melody of a memory scenes but there wasn't too much new there. i may watch the cs from the missing link beta at some point. otherwise it's back to my life long journey of waiting for the next title to drop

gameplay - 5/10. ugh. i bought the game when it came out but between the full length disney movies and the over saturated gameplay gimmicks i didn't get far. this time i powered through and by the end i was enjoying it for the most part because I'd figured out what things to ignore and how to avoid them. attractions were the worst addition to gameplay ever. everything was too flashy. way too many instances of being locked in a "cool" transition animation instead of actually doing combat which broke up the flow of things. i missed the command deck and how much it let you customize your play style. i didn't like the keys being locked to command forms as much as the bbs forms since it meant if you had a keyblade with better stats but hated the special on it you were kinda fucked. this became less of a problem as the game went but was still annoying. overall felt like a step back from the others. they tried to do too much. oh also why were there ten thousand instances of having to learn new controls for some new mini game in every area??? just let me hit things i am begging you. it really felt like they went for cool spectacles over satisfying gameplay

general notes on all of them: i enjoyed the story much more this time due to being able to play them in order. the fact they all released on different platforms originally made the complicated story even more confusing since i couldn't afford to buy a new system every time a new one came out. i really hope they veer away from that practice in the future but i kinda doubt it especially since they've got another mobile game lined up already. while the disney stories were fun early on it felt like the story outgrew them (except for the characters who were in the main story as well like mickey and maleficent) and they were kinda a drag by 3. i doubt they can move away from those since they're the whole gimmick of the series but it would be better imo. deeply worried they'll start bringing in newer disney acquisitions.

one of my biggest complaints about the series has always been how few female characters there are and how little many of them are used. it got slightly better later in the series but overall was still not great, especially for kairi. i kept wondering if they added stuff for her in re:mind due to complaints about this.... the dlc felt like an apology for several things tbh. aqua was great but she shouldn't be the only one and even she got upstaged in kh3 when she's supposed to be the third most powerful keyblade master. weirdly enough maleficent was probably the best written female character. really wild how much she wove into the plot and affected events so much without even trying to (especially in union x). she should fire pete though (i think she should hire demyx)

I'd like to see them let you play as characters other than sora more often since that was always really neat (he's had a billion games to himself now). I'd love a kairi and aqua game but i can imagine square and disney both clutching their pearls over female protagonists

something i noticed was that playing them when i was older i liked sora much better. when i started the series as a teenager i found him annoying. as an adult i have more sympathy and tolerance for teenaged boys who are Going Through It. growth or something

[loumauve]

sometimes I forget that it is in fact not normal to have sudden social anxiety spikes after only two days spent inside, away from other people.

(the kind that make it near impossible to even just step in front of the door and walk downstairs to check the letterbox, much less leave for long enough to get groceries)

rest of a long thing under the cut bc I don't want to bother anybody with my introspection. but I wanted it to be there in case someone else struggles with this. idk. helps to not feel entirely alone in dealing with this shit

and paid time off is a curse sometimes, because it leads to weeks not going outside, which then starts the entire cycle I've been working on disrupting all over again. and I know that the only solution is actually going outside even if it's just for a bit, but fuck if it isn't the hardest thing in the world sometimes.

and it's so at odds with how people know me, generally, folks at work, friends for the most part, because I've gotten real good at pushing through and just doing the things that my body tells me are dangerous, but then I stay at home for three days and I just.. fall apart.

it's not as bad as it used to be, I'm better at at least taking out the trash if I need to, and if I can work myself up to it even ordering food instead of going without meals if things get too bad, but it takes so much energy to do any of those small, everyday things that I should just be able to do. idk

I never really went to therapy for it even if it's the mental-illness shit I've dealt with for the longest time. they diagnosed me when I was 14 and by then I had probably 14 years of ingrained, bad habits built up. and they recommended group therapy which in retrospect probably could have helped a lot, but to me (teen bullied by other teens who felt unsafe around pretty much anyone, even at home) it sounded like hell so I refused to go.

I can still remember my mum telling me that I would instead have to work on dealing with it myself, finding strategies to live with it, I guess. we would play silly games like labyrinth before I'd have to go to school, but I'd just cry through it all and then oftentimes circle back home when I knew everyone would be out. suffice to say I did find ways to push myself to do the things that felt like walking into fire, and it worked enough to a point where it just felt like holding my hand over a candle flame for a little too long. bearable if painful. and I guess I'm still stuck there.

trauma therapy helped me process some things and put others in perspective, enough to at least move on (never forgive or forget though, that I'll leave to the people with bigger hearts) and we worked through some of the hangups, but overall not much has changed nor do I think it would given more time and therapy.

like my grandmother I struggle to make myself do things that I know I should sometimes. (and the Innerer Schweinehund is too strong) at least if I don't technically need to do those things to survive. instead I'll eat plain rice for weeks on end. or candy from two years ago, or drink coffee and eat nothing for a week. which, I know, is disordered eating which in and of itself would probably benefit from more therapy, but I guess as long as my body can deal with it it's good enough as is.